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Talking about Sex and Contraception with your child

from: http://sexualityandu.ca/parents/talk-1.aspx

As any parent knows, you can communicate a lot to your child without ever saying a word. When it comes to sexuality, the way you react to certain situations, how you deal with their body and your own, how you feel about privacy, and what you choose to actually sit down and talk about all communicate strong messages. But if you feel uneasy about discussing sexuality and contraception openly, rest assured, you're not alone.

Though your child will no doubt hear about sex and contraception through the media, school, the Internet or friends, research suggests that teens still want supportive advice, information and guidance from their parents. Because many teens incorrectly anticipate COMPLETE parental disapproval, they may NOT raise the subject. If they haven't, for your kid's sake, bring it up yourself.

When is it a Good Time?

Nobody knows your child as well as you do...and for this simple reason, you should best know when your child or teen can handle talking about contraception or sexuality. The best way to start is to look for "teachable moments".

These moments are all around you. Maybe you and your child see a pregnant woman, a display of condoms at a drug store, or a love scene in a movie or on television. Take these opportunities to discuss your feelings and values and to ask your child if he or she has any questions. It's not really that important what you talk about, so long as you're talking. This way, when your child needs to talk to someone, they'll know that it's okay to come to you.

Obviously, you won't know the answer to everything, but if you avoid the issue, children may feel that contraception or sexual health issues are taboo. Just remember that study after study has shown that sex education DOES NOT lead to an increase in sexual activity ... but it does lead to safer and more positive interactions now and in the future.

You may find helpful tips and information on "Common questions about sexual health education" on the website of the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada at www.sieccan.org.

Sexual Abuse and Coercion

Many teenagers face some form of sexual coercion, whether through peer pressure, or actually being fed lines like "Don't you love me?" from their boyfriend/girlfriend. Unfortunately, this pressure can take a more dramatic turn in the form of "date rape", an increasing problem. It's important for you as a parent to make sure your teenager is fully aware of the risks they face and that NOBODY has the right to force them into anything they are uncomfortable with.

Preventing Risky Sexual Activity

Here are a few issues/facts that you and your child should be aware of:

• Some teens don't know enough about condoms to protect themselves from pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections (STIs). They seem to believe that they are invincible. If you can't share a personal experience, then educate them through books or ask for assistance from a public health nurse or your physician or other professional.
• Discuss the risks of STIs and getting tested. As with any disease, prevention is important, but early diagnosis is very important.
• Make sure that your child knows that if they are going to have sex, condoms are the only contraceptive that can effectively prevent STIs. Birth control pills and other contraceptive methods are used to prevent pregnancy, not disease.
• If they are having sex, try to stress the fact that monogamy is much safer. Variety is not the spice of life!
• Serial monogamy, that is, having one relationship after another, also has risks of sexually transmitted infections.
• Although there hasn't been much publicity, hepatitis B is increasingly common and vaccination programs are now widespread. More than 3000 new cases were diagnosed in Canada in 1994 alone. See your doctor with your child for more information on prevention and treatment. A vaccine against hepatitis B is now available.
• All sexually active girls should have Pap smear tests. Your daughter should know that this test can detect cervical cancer, and is a test that should be done on an annual basis for their protection.
• Detection of sexually transmitted infections, such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, is not done with the Pap smear test and the patient should discuss with her physician about appropriate testing.

Not all teenagers have sex, but many of them do. By some estimates, more than half of all teens will have had sex by the time they finish high school. Even before high school, a minority of young people begin experimenting with sexual activity or even full-fledged sexual intercourse.

Can you, as a parent, steer the course of your teenager's sexual behaviour? The answer: it depends. Parents who live in tightly knit social or religious communities that condemn premarital sex may find it easier to steer their teenagers' sexual choices. For others, parental control may be more tenuous. The strategy of ordering teens to abstain from sex has not proven very successful, whether the order comes from parents or from community initiatives (unless these initiatives were developed by the teens themselves).

Still, research shows that teens whose parents communicate with them tend to have less sex, and more responsible sex, than teens of noncommunicative parents.

Teenagers have the ability to think abstractly and consider the consequences of their behaviour, but they also have a developmentally appropriate streak of independence that may lead them to resist any "orders from on high." You stand a better chance of reaching them by inviting a two-way discussion about sexuality than by trying to impose your views on them or ignoring the issue altogether. One thing is for certain, not knowing about sex doesn't prevent teens from having it, often with disastrous consequences.

Discussing Sex With Your Teenager

Any parent can find it difficult to start a discussion about sexuality with a teenager. Be prepared for rolled eyes and protests of "I know that already". Remember, even if you're really uncomfortable talking about sex and sexuality, there's a pretty good chance that your teen will feel even more uncomfortable at first. Try inviting your teen to share their own observations and ideas with you. Remember, this should be a discussion, not a lecture. For example:

• "Are most of the kids in your class talking about sex? Are some of them doing it?"
• "Do you think there are any advantages to having sex earlier? Later?"
• "Have you ever thought about when you might be ready to have sex? What do you think makes a person ready?"
• "Has anyone in your school become pregnant? Do you think you lose anything by becoming pregnant so early in life?
• "Do you think some people have sex just to impress their friends or to keep up with the crowd? Can you see any risks in such behaviour?"

Respecting your teenager's ideas doesn't mean you can't state your own views. If you disapprove of teen sex, for example, you can certainly tell your teen why you feel the way you do. Your teen is becoming an adult, and they're going to want to make their own decisions. "Because I said so" is not an argument that teens typically respond to. For this reason, you might have better luck explaining your to your child why you feel the way you do, rather than just telling them what to do.

Don't expect to cover every aspect of teen sex in one conversation. Again, remember that the most important thing is that you're opening the lines of communication. It can take several conversations before you and your teen overcome your mutual discomfort. As your teenager matures, you can talk about more difficult issues. You can also invite a trusted relative or friend to talk about sex with your teen, or suggest places where they can find more information.

Finally, prepare yourself for a few groans and rolled eyes when you bring up sex with your teen. Sometimes, despite your best intentions, your teen may simply want to end the discussion and move on to something else.

Talking about Contraception

Let your son or daughter know that you want them to be able to talk about their feelings and relationships with you; that you want them to have good information about contraception, safer sex, and about being pressured to have sex; that you want them to be happy, not hurt, in their relationships.

It's important that your child has good information on contraception, sexually transmitted infections, and how to stay sexually healthy. Equally important, however, are your child's questions, concerns, the way they feel, and the knowledge that they can come to you if they need it.

• Be prepared. Make sure you have all the information on contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy and protection against STIs. This may be awkward, but not as bad as when your teen comes to you and says they're pregnant or infected.
• Try to convey your feelings and values.
• Answer any questions simply and honestly.
• Timing is important; try to bring up this conversation long before your child is sexually active. This will allow them to be fully prepared and able to make mature decisions.
• Stay calm, as the key to effective communication is for both to listen and respond, not lose their cool.
• In addition to talking with you, there may be other people they trust or places they can look to when they have questions. Suggest options beyond school - an older sibling, a family planning center, this Web site, your family doctor, etc.

For a quick guide to contraceptives, please visit: http://meeting.knet.ca/mp19/mod/book/view.php?id=3169