Introduction

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation.aspx

Your sexual orientation is a reflection of your sexual and emotional feelings toward people of the same or opposite gender. Although some people know early on that they are homosexual, others go through a confusing period where they wonder: Am I different? Could I be gay? Are my feelings just a passing phase?

The answer is there is no single answer. Your sexual orientation will emerge over time, probably little by little. You shouldn't label yourself as gay just because you've had homosexual feelings or even homosexual encounters. These experiences are very common among people your age. Or, you may realize over time that you're only attracted to people of your own gender. Or maybe you'll find that you're into both guys and girls - that you're bisexual.

Right now the best thing you can do is give it time and explore and experience your sexual feelings with an open mind. If it turns out you're gay, you'll probably face some unique challenges but you'll also get a lot of support along the way. The world's come a long way. It's still not perfect, but these days most people know that it's okay to be gay, and homosexuals have more social freedoms and legal protections than ever before.

You may have wondered what causes homosexuality. Why are some people gay and some people aren't? Truth is, nobody really knows for sure. Researchers used to believe that homosexuality stemmed from improper parenting (some people still believe this), but this just isn't the case. As best we know, what "causes" homosexuality is the same as what causes heterosexuality: the roll of the biological dice.

Today, sex researchers and doctors view homosexuality not as a sexual problem but as a normal sexual difference, much like green is a normal - if fairly unusual - eye colour.

What all this means is that homosexuals are no more responsible for their homosexuality than heterosexuals are for their heterosexuality. It is not a "lifestyle" you choose for yourself as much as something you discover in yourself. Which is not to say it's an easy discovery. Even if you know that homosexuality isn't a disorder or a flaw, you may fear that your family and friends won't accept you if you come out to them.

Coming Out

It used to be that gay people kept their sexual orientation secret until they were adults, and sometimes even for their whole lives. Thankfully, things aren't still like that today. More and more gay people feel comfortable revealing their homosexual orientation (to come out) to their parents, other family members or friends. If you're pretty sure you're gay, the big questions you face are: who to tell? And when and how to tell them?

Before taking the plunge, consider the following questions:

1. Are you sure you're gay?
   If you're not sure, it's better to wait until you have a more solid sense of your sexual orientation.
2. Are you able to take criticism or initial rejection?
   The person you're coming out to may need time to absorb the information. Instant approval is nice (and sometimes you'll get it), but you need to prepare yourself emotionally for a less-than-enthusiastic response.
3. Do you feel pressured to come out? Is this really your decision?
   Although coming out is a liberating experience (sometimes only in the long run) for most people, there's no rule that says you have to come out. Follow your own instincts and if you want to come out, only do it when you're really ready.

Coming Out to Parents

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-2.aspx

The hardest part of this conversation may be the first sentence. What on earth do you say? Here are some possibilities.

1. "I've been keeping something hidden from you for some time and it's been making me feel like I'm not as close to you guys as I'd like to be. I'd like to be able to share this with you so we can become closer again."
2. "I wish I knew the right way to begin this conversation, but I'll do my best. I've learned something important about myself and I'd really like to talk about it with you. What do you think?"
3. [if you think your parents already suspect you're gay] "Mom, Dad, have you ever wondered if I'm gay?"

Then calmly get to the point. Tell your parents you've discovered you're gay and would like to talk about what this means for all of you.

You may be one of the lucky ones who meet with immediate acceptance. But, more likely, your parents will take the news with at least some mixed feelings. They may try to reassure you that they still love you, but you can't miss noticing their disappointment, confusion, or even shock.

Your best bet is to give them some time and some space. Tell them you understand that the news may be upsetting, and that you hope that, over time, you can talk more and that they will eventually come to accept it.

Coming out to other family members

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-3.aspx

If you've already come out to your parents, you may want to consider asking if they would like to break the news to other family members. This will give your parents a sense of having at least some control over the flow of information within the family.

There's always a chance your parents will tell you they don't want anyone else in the family to know. In that case, you can tell them that you're willing to respect their wishes for the time being. Then, bring up the subject again in a few months.

If you haven't come out to your parents and feel it would be safer to reveal your sexual orientation to another family member (such as a brother, sister, cousin, aunt or uncle) beforehand, make sure you can trust this person to keep the news under wraps. If you think it would be helpful, you can ask them to assist you - by being in the same room, for example - when you're ready to come out to your parents.

When coming out to other family members, follow the same principles as when coming out to your parents.

Helping a Friend who's gay

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-5.aspx

When you learn that a friend is gay, you may experience surprise or shock. A person you thought you knew so well turns out to be gay. You may be upset that they kept this from you or you may wonder if you can continue the friendship, now that you know the truth.

It's okay to express surprise to your friend. If you pretend like you're not surprised, or you try to hide the way your feeling, your friend is going to see through you. On the other hand, you owe it to your friend to offer your support, even if you have to push yourself in that direction. It may help to think of your friend's gayness as being neither good nor bad, but simply the way it is - like being left-handed in a mostly right-handed world.

Even if you believe that homosexuality is "wrong", your friend stands nothing to gain from your harsh disapproval - he or she will only feel more rejected and unloved. Bear in mind that gay teens carry out a high number of all teenage suicides. You may disapprove of what your friend is doing, but try to find it in yourself to accept who your friend is - a homosexual.

By supporting your friend through this difficult period, you have the opportunity to make a real difference in the life of a struggling person. Here are some concrete ways you can help:

1. Find out if your friend has come out to his or her parents. If not, offer your support while your friend approaches this monumental task.
2. Do not reveal anything about your friend's sexual orientation unless he or she has specifically given you the go-ahead.
3. Protect your friend from cruel remarks from schoolmates or other people... at the very least, don't participate in such discussions. If you're worried about your own safety, consult an adult such as a school counsellor.
4. Listen, listen, listen - preferably without judgment. Take the opportunity to learn what it's like to be gay.

Cross Gender Identity

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-6.aspx

Have you sometimes wondered if you're trapped in a body of the wrong gender? If so, you may have a transgendered identity or transgendered leanings. A transgendered person is someone who feels like they are the opposite gender on the inside . This is different from a transvestite, who feels a strong need to dress in the clothes of the opposite gender but does not wish to be the opposite gender.

Being transgendered is also different from being gay. Many transgendered people feel sexually attracted to members of their own biological gender, but many others do not. Even those drawn to their own gender tend to view themselves as heterosexual members of the opposite gender, rather than as homosexuals. In the end, being transgendered has a lot more to do with how you experience yourself than about who turns you on.

Most transgendered people become aware of their feelings in early childhood. Many children experiment with cross-gender behaviours, a child with "gender dysphoria" (the clinical term for unhappiness with one's gender) has a persistent and intense longing to be the opposite gender.

As you grow older, you may suffer as you watch your body develop as a gender that seems foreign to you. You may hate your deepening voice or broadening shoulders, or wish to tape down your growing breasts. Such feelings are normal for transgendered young people.

At some point you'll probably want to tell the important people in your life like parents and friends that you're transgendered. You may find it helpful to read the coming out section for homosexuals, bearing in mind that your own coming-out process might be even more challenging - Many people will find it hard to understand how you could feel the way you do.

You may wish to set the stage for the discussion by stating that you have been having questions about gender and are working to sort them out. For example:

"Some people discover something different about their sexual orientation. In my case, the big discovery has been about gender. I've always felt more like a guy (girl) than a girl (guy). I'm now trying to figure out what to do about these feelings, and I'd like to talk about the possibilities with you."

Because your sexual difference is less common and less understood than homosexuality, you may feel much more scared and isolated than gay teenagers. For this reason, it's essential that you get support from people who know what you're going through. Fortunately, transgendered support groups exist in all parts of the country. Many of these groups have programs for transgendered youths, and can help with advice about coming out and dealing with society's disapproving stare.

Support groups can also help you explore the various choices available to you as a transgendered person: living "in role" as a person of the opposite gender with the possible goal of gender-reassignment surgery (a sex-change surgery) in the future, living in role only part of the time (such as on weekends), or undergoing hormonal treatments that will make you feel and look closer to the opposite gender. Changing your body through surgery is a drastic and irreversible step. It makes sense to give yourself time, think carefully and explore other alternatives, to make sure you're not making a decision that you'll come to regret.

Atypical Sexuality

from: http://www.sexualityandu.ca/teens/orientation-8.aspx

Some people take comfort in labelling their sexuality: gay or straight, dominant or submissive, and so on. Having that label allows people to feel part of a group and to get support from others. But what if you're unable or unwilling to pin down your sexuality in this way?

Perhaps you've been attracted to both guys and girls. Perhaps you're turned on by the thought of being the "doer" or the "done to," sexually speaking. Perhaps you've experimented with cross-dressing or even "passing" as the opposite gender, but don't wish to take a permanent step in that direction. You may identify with the Aboriginal concept of a "two-spirit" person: someone who has both male and female identities.

If you can't put your sexual identity in a box, you face unique challenges and opportunities.

In a black-and-white world, grey people tend to be misunderstood. Even if you feel no need to label your own sexuality, others may want to label you anyway. Not fitting into any obvious group could make it harder for you to get the emotional and practical support you may need. On the other hand, many of today's sexual-diversity groups - particularly those who cater to GLBT (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered) youth - welcome just about anybody who stands outside the big box of heterosexuality.

Your free-spirited sexuality will give you the opportunity to form relationships with a diverse group of people. And you're also in a unique position to help other people understand sexual diversity. Just remember that being different doesn't mean you can exploit or harm people, sexually or otherwise. If you handle your sexuality responsibly, there's every chance you'll find a safe place in today's diverse sexual world.

At some point you'll probably want to disclose your sexual identity to the important people in your life, such as parents or close friends. You may find it helpful to use some of the principles outlined in the coming out section for homosexuals, bearing in mind that your own coming-out process may be even more challenging. Even after you've explained why the usual labels don't apply to you, people may want to label you as something you're not.

You may want to launch the discussion by touching on this problem. For example:

"It seems there's a lot of pressure for people to label themselves as straight, gay, or whatever. I'm having a hard time with that idea. I'd like to talk to you about how I've been experiencing my sexuality, which doesn't seem to fit into any of these categories."